i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
