I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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