I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Randomize
