she woke up with a sticky ear
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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