Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Randomize
