dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she pinky promised me she was 18
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
