I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
