don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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