i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
