Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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