Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
