smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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