This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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