Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
