You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
