I wish they made helmets for livers.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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