Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
