I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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