I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
