:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
