Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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