obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Randomize
