I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
