I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
