i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
