I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
