I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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