your parents love me but you hate me
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
