There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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