when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
