Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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