I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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