I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
