I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
