guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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