38 yer olds are good kisserssss
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
