Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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