dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
