My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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