I can text with my tongue
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
