i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
