so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
