i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
