i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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