somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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