**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
