when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
