you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
