one word: firstdatebathroomanal
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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