SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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