how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
