Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I still have a little drunk in my system
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
