I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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