guys are only as good as the porn they watch
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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