Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
